Jeg var igår nødt til at melde afbud til min dejlige nieces kandidatfest pga. min ryg. I flere dage har jeg frygtet, at jeg blev nødt til at aflyse, men jeg blev ved med at trække den, for der kunne jo nå at ske et mirakel – at jeg ville få det bedre. Nu hvor jeg har indset, at det nok ikke kommer til at ske, så kommer den dårlige samvittighed og dunker mig i hovedet.
Jeg er nødt til at starte med lidt praktisk info om arrangementet før det giver mening. Festen foregår i morgen (lørdag) og først var aftalen, at vi alle 4 skulle afsted. Men som nogle af jer måske har læst på Instagram, er vores sensitive søn lidt skrøbelig for tiden. Store fester og overnatninger hjemmefra er ikke ligefrem det der hjælper ham, og derfor besluttede vi allerede i sidste uge, at Søren skulle blive hjemme med Hjalte. Derfor skulle jeg alene afsted med Freya. Jeg forsøgte at planlægge det hele. Planlægning, forberedelse og koordinering af ressourcer er nemlig altafgørende for at klare aktiviteter, hvis man lever med smerter. Jeg ville slappe af hele fredag indtil vi skulle køre fredag eftermiddag, og vi skulle holde flere pauser på køreturen, som tager 1½-2 timer. Og vi ville først køre hjem igen søndag, da det ville være helt umuligt at køre turen samme dag som festen. Jeg kunne gøre alle de rigtige ting før og efter festen. Der ville også være mulighed for, at jeg kunne ligge ned og tage et hvil under festen. Men på trods af denne planlægning er jeg nødt til at sige fra.
Jeg er måske også lidt naiv, at jeg overhovedet havde troet jeg kunne holde til at køre så langt selv og samtidig sove 2 nætter i en fremmed seng. Jeg vil bare så ENORMT gerne med til den her fest. Og når man vil noget rigtig meget, så tror man også pludselig man kan meget mere, eller rettere sagt man vil ikke indse at det nok ikke er muligt.
Men så kommer den dårlige samvittighed. Skulle jeg allerede da jeg fik invitationen have sagt, at det kun var måske vi kommer, fordi jeg ikke ved hvordan jeg har det den weekend? Skulle jeg have sagt nej fra starten, også bare overraske positivt, hvis jeg havde det godt og kunne komme? Og på hvilken måde skal jeg melde afbud? Skal jeg skrive en kort besked, at vi desværre må melde afbud pga. min ryg? Eller skal jeg ringe og komme med den lange forklaring om, at jeg pga. en cykeltur i sidste uge er blevet skudt 10 skridt tilbage? Og forklare at jeg jo nok godt kunne presse mig selv og klare mig igennem det, men at jeg ikke magter at blive skudt yderligere 10 skridt tilbage? Er det ikke også ret egoistisk, hvis jeg udelukkende siger fra pga. mine egne behov? Jeg må jo også gøre noget for andre en gang imellem også bare bide det i mig.
Det mest latterlige ved alle mine tanker er jo, at jeg uden tvivl vil blive mødt med forståelse ligegyldig hvordan jeg melder afbud. Så egentlig burde jeg slet ikke bruge så meget energi på det. Som min psykolog sagde til mig: ”Du har jo ikke selv valgt at have kroniske smerter – det er jo ikke noget du gør med vilje – det er ikke din skyld, og derfor skal du hverken undskylde eller have dårlig samvittighed”. Det kan hun jo på sin vis have ret i.
Over den sidste tid er det også gået op for mig, at jeg faktisk stadig er ramt ifht. det sociale. Jeg har kunne mærke, at jeg faktisk ikke har det så godt, når jeg er sammen med for mange mennesker på en gang. Mit hoved kan ikke rumme det. Jeg har oplevet tidligere, at forsamlinger på mere end 4-6 mennesker er svært for mig. Kort fortalt er det svært at rumme både smerterne, den konstante planlægning af hvordan man undgår flere smerter, også samtidig få noget ud af det sociale. Når jeg kommer til et socialt arrangement bruger jeg en del af min energi på flg:
- Jeg skal skynde mig og finde den bedste stol og reservere den? Og pladsen skal helst være yderst i lokalet så jeg kan rejse mig op og gå rundt/gå ud uden jeg gør mig alt for bemærket.
- Hvis der er bordkort og jeg har fået en ”dårlig stol/plads”, så skal jeg bruge enormt meget energi på at drøfte med mig selv, om jeg kan tillade mig at bede om en anden stol.
- Tænker konstant over, om jeg kan blive siddende lidt endnu, eller om det er bedre jeg rejser mig op, og hvornår passer det bedst ind at jeg rejser mig?
- Er der et sted jeg kan ligge ned og aflaste min ryg? Er det et sted hvor alle kan se mig? Og måske er det bedst jeg ikke spørger, for hvis ikke de har et sted, så bliver folk så kede af de ikke kan hjælpe.
- Og hvornår slutter festen mon? Hvornår kan man tillade sig at tage hjem?
Alle disse tanker med strategier for hele aftenen kører i hovedet hele tiden og tager utroligt meget energi og fokus. Derudover bliver jeg usikker på mig selv, fordi jeg flere gange har oplevet, at jeg kan have svært ved at følge med i en samtale. Svært ved at byde ind med noget, også kan jeg glemme hvad der blev sagt for 10 min. siden, fordi mit fokus er på smerterne. Det er sgu lidt skræmmende – jeg har altid været god til det sociale og til at holde en samtale kørende. Hvis ikke andre snakkede, så skulle jeg nok selv snakke, så der ikke blev for stille. Det er virkelig hårdt for mig at indse, at jeg slet ikke er den samme på det punkt.
Her vil jeg gerne tilføje et lille uddrag fra bogen ”Få dig et liv” af Bianca Solveig Stjerne. Overskriften på afsnittet er ”Når du siger nej til andre, siger du ja til dig selv”:
Da vi som kronikere skal lære at passe på os selv og vores dyrebare energi, er det vigtigt, at vi lærer at sige fra. Vi skal bruge vores energi på det vi har mest behov for eller ønsker. Hvad gør du? Siger du ja til ting, du faktisk ikke har energi til? Hvad giver det dig? Du må lære at tage godt vare på dig selv, inden du tænker på andre, i stedet for at presse dig selv ud over det, du har kræfter til. Du må lære at sige fra og sætte grænser, lytte til dine behov og ikke lade dig holde tilbage af frygt for hvad andre tænker og mener. Når du for eksempel er ude i sociale sammenhæng så gå hjem mens legen er god. Her mener jeg, at du ikke skal vente, til du får ondt, eller til du nærmest må kravle ud af døren. Der kommer også en dag i morgen, og som du sikkert ved, lige så godt som jeg, så glemmer kroppen ikke, når du bruger energireserver. Regningen kommer bagefter.
Sker det at vi mister, fordi vi siger fra, så er det alligevel værd at risikere,
for siger vi ikke fra, mister vi det allervigtigste – vi vil miste os selv.
Det er samtidig enormt vigtigt at holde fast i det sociale, og nogle gange overskrider man nogle grænser for at få plus på den sociale konto. Så kan man tage et valg om at bruge fra energireserven og betale prisen dagen efter. Men det er vigtigt man har taget valget og vurderet at det er det hele værd. Også skal vi huske på, at man også kan vælge at deltage i dele af et arrangement. Til vores nevøs konfirmation valgte jeg fx ikke at tage med i kirken, men først komme senere til festen.
Med dette vil jeg bare gerne forklare, hvor svært det kan være for personer med kroniske smerter/sygdomme at være social og ikke mindst at melde afbud. Og til jer der er i samme båd som mig – jeg håber I måske vil dele hvad I gør i lignende situationer. Gode råd tager jeg imod med kyshånd.
Tak fordi du læste med 😊
Kærligst Zinna
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