Dagene går. De dårlige er der stadig en del af, men der bliver længere imellem dem. Jeg forsøger ikke at give dem for meget fokus. Jeg forsøger at lade dem gå forbi uden de bider sig fast i mig. Smerten må ikke styre mig og mine tanker. Det er så nemt at blive fanget i den onde cirkel af smerter. Smerter genererer triste tanker, og triste tanker generer flere smerter. De triste tanker vil unægtelig dukke op fra tid til anden, men de gavner mig ikke. Jeg bliver bedre og bedre til at skubbe dem væk så snart de viser deres grimme ansigt. Jeg kæmper imod med mine positive tanker om alt det gode i mit liv. Min mentale styrke har enormt stor indflydelse på om jeg vinder kampen. Det er som om stillingen er uafgjort og jeg er fanget i en periode af ligegyldighed. Dagene går, og de går endda hurtigt, selvom jeg egentlig burde kede mig, men jeg keder mig ikke. Jeg laver ingenting, ser ikke ret mange mennesker, ser ikke TV, læser kun lidt, skriver lidt og ellers ligger jeg bare i min seng. Jeg udretter ikke ret meget – jeg er ikke til meget gavn. Jeg er ikke trist – jeg er ikke glad. Jeg føler mig ligeglad for tiden. Det er som om jeg er sat på pause og ikke kan føle så meget mere. Jeg er faldet hen i en venteposition.
Det sidste års tid har været en psykisk rejse, som har krævet alle mine kræfter. Jeg har været gennem fornægtelse, afmagt, erkendelse, vrede, meningsløshed, sorg, angst, depression, sårbarhed, identitetskrise, misundelse og meget mere. På denne rejse har jeg lært mig selv bedre at kende, fordi jeg i min skriveproces har tvunget mig selv til at sætte ord på alle mine følelser og tanker og finde en forklaring på dem.
Jeg er itvivl om det er håbet der holder mig oppe, eller jeg rent faktisk har accepteret, at jeg skal leve med smerterne resten af livet. De triste tanker slås ofte ned med tanken om, at det nok skal blive bedre. Men ingen kan love mig det bliver bedre. Kan jeg acceptere hvis det ikke bliver bedre? Nej, det kan jeg ikke. Men kan jeg acceptere, at jeg skal leve med smerterne resten af livet. Ja, det kan jeg. Så hele min accept bunder I hvor meget smerten skal fylde i resten af mit liv. Og accepten er afgørende for det gode liv. Også kommer frygten for det ikke bliver bedre. Også bliver jeg bange for jeg aldrig når til accepten. Bliver du forvirret? Det er jeg i hvert fald. Alle mine tanker forvirrer mig for tiden….. Så lige nu forsøger jeg at tage en dag af gangen og holde fokus på de små ting i livet, som vi alle skal være så taknemmelige for, men mange tager for givet.
Jeg er stadig på en rejse og jeg lærer nyt hver dag. Jeg forsøger at styrke min mentale sundhed, som unægtelig har stor indflydelse på min fysiske sundhed. Jeg finder langsomt frem til kernen af hvad et lykkeligt liv betyder for mig, og hvordan jeg kan skabe det med de livsvilkår jeg er blevet stillet overfor. Jeg ved godt det lyder enormt filosofisk, men hvor er det vigtigt at finde frem til kernen. Vigtigt at bruge sine energier på de relationer, der er givende og værdifulde, og vurdere om man måske må vinke farvel til nogle. Denne læring strækker sig i realiteten over resten af livet.
Inspirationen til dette indlæg er i høj grad kommet efter jeg har dykket ned i et andet blogger univers på Instagram. Go follow @hjertebanken
Tak fordi du læste med 😊
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