Hvad er der lige sket med Zinna???

Ja, de fleste har nok hørt at jeg har en dårlig ryg, og ved også at det har jeg haft i mange år. Men mange undrer sig nok over, hvad der lige er sket det sidste halve års tid.

Jeg vil prøve at gøre det kort, selvom det er virkelig svært. Jeg har levet med smerterne i mange år, og de sidste 2 år er det blevet voldsomt værre, fordi jeg nu også har fået Modic (hvilket jeg først fandt ud af for ca. ½ år siden). I over et år klarede jeg mig gennem hverdagen med morfin – og ja, det er noget lort at fylde sin krop med og ja, man bliver afhængig af det. Det dulmer ikke bare smerterne, men også livet. Det gik op for mig i oktober sidste år, at jeg ikke levede mit liv, men bare kæmpede for at overleve hverdagens gøremål. Og når der endelig var tid til familien, var jeg intet værd pga. smerterne. Jeg tog derfor et valg, om at se virkeligheden i øjnene og fokusere på mit helbred og min familie.

Første step var at trappe ud af morfinen og mærke virkeligheden igen. Uden morfinen viste det sig, at jeg ikke engang kunne arbejde 10 timer om ugen. Det nægter jeg at acceptere, så jeg opsøgte alle mulige og umulige behandlingsmuligheder. Jeg er nu igang med en 100 dages medicinsk behandling, som jeg afslutter 15. juli. Derefter står den på genoptræning og langsom opstart med arbejde igen. Også er det kun tiden, der kan vise om behandlingen har hjulpet – det kan tage op til 2 år før man endeligt kan konkludere effekten af behandlingen. Til september står jeg uden job, og skal igang med et jobafklaringsforløb. Fremtiden er uvis, men jeg vælger ikke at bekymre mig om det, for det gavner mig ikke. Jeg tager en dag af gangen.

At leve et godt liv på trods af smerter hver dag kræver et hårdt psykisk arbejde med sig selv. Jeg er på en rejse, og jeg kan nok ikke komme udenom, at rejsen også ændrer mig. Men hvem er jeg så egentlig nu? Det kan jeg faktisk ikke konkludere på endnu, for min rejse er ikke slut. Vi er alle på en rejse hele livet, men nogle perioder af vores liv ændrer os mere end andre.

Grundlæggende er jeg stadig den gamle Zinna, og det har jeg virkelig også brug for at være. Jeg er stadig aktiv, spontan, eventyrlysten og elsker udfordringer, men min krop begrænser bare mine muligheder. At starte en blog er for mig en ny måde at være spontan og eventyrlysten på. Jeg kan ikke stoppe min lyst til udfordringer, bare fordi jeg er syg. At bloggen så viste sig at blive en form for selvterapi og inspiration for andre, er jo en kæmpe bonus, som bare giver mig lyst til at gøre mere ved det.

Jeg har altid været meget social og har brug for tætte relationer, og lige nu nok mere end nogensinde. Men samtidig tager smerterne meget af min energi, og derfor er overskuddet til det sociale også mindre. Lige nu er jeg ikke som tidligere, den der tager initiativ til en masse. Men det betyder ikke, at jeg holder mindre af at være social. Jeg er meget åben og ærlig, og kan bedst lide at høre din ærlige mening, også når den kan gøre lidt ondt. Hvis jeg fx i en periode er meget negativ, så kan jeg godt tåle at høre, at jeg skal tage mig sammen. Det vil jeg faktisk blive glad for – jeg ved jo det er kærligt ment.

Jeg kan godt forstå, hvis det kan være svært at forholde sig til den rejse jeg er på. Og jeg kan nok heller ikke komme udenom, at det ikke er alle, der synes om den ændring der sker med mig. Men det er helt ok med mig – jeg forventer ikke at alle forstår mig. Det er ikke unaturligt hvis du ikke helt ved hvordan du skal “møde” mig – det er normalt med en form for berøringsangst, og det har jeg fuld forståelse for. Og det er ok at sige til mig, at du faktisk ikke forstår det jeg gennemgår, og ikke ved hvad du skal sige. Det vil jeg faktisk sætte stor pris på. Og selvom mit liv lige nu kan virke meget alvorligt for andre, så er din hverdag og de problemer du går med stadig ligeså vigtige at få talt om. Jeg har før hørt nogen sige, at deres hverdagsproblemer jo virker ligegyldige i forhold til det jeg kæmper med, og derfor vil de ikke nævne det for mig. Jeg vil godt lige slå fast med syv tommer søm, at jeg ikke ser sådan på det. Jeg kan jo ligesom tidligere godt sætte mig ind i, at hverdagsproblemerne kan fylde meget.

Vi alle ændrer os, og gennem livet kan vi ændre os så meget, at man “vokser fra hinanden”. Men det jeg ønsker mig allermest fra min omgangskreds er bare ærlighed og åbenhed – det er bedre en tavshed. Og selvom rejsen fylder meget i mit liv lige nu, så har jeg virkelig også brug for pauser, hvor jeg bare kan være den gamle Zinna. På et tidspunkt kommer jeg forhåbentlig også tilbage til en mere normal hverdag med job osv. Men lige nu handler min hverdag meget om sygdom, medicin, behandlinger og den personlige udvikling der er nødvendig for mig.

Jeg håber dette giver lidt forståelse for hvad fanden der er sket med mig😉 Og hvis du har brug for at vide mere så bare kom til mig – min dør er altid åben😘

Knus og kram

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