Hvor pinligt……

I dag har (indtil videre) været en af de dage, hvor jeg igen er blevet chokeret over min hjernes evne til bare at tage en fridag, selvom chefen ikke har sagt god for det. Det er ellers ved at være noget tid siden det er sket.

Når man er sygemeldt fra sit arbejde tilbyder jobcentret forskellige kurser for at hjælpe os tilbage i arbejde. I den forbindelse deltager jeg i et kursus, hvor vi lærer at tackle smerterne på det psykiske plan. Vi er en psykolog og ca. 10 deltagere med kroniske smerter på holdet. Vi er ca. halvvejs i forløbet og vi har mødepligt hver onsdag fra 11.00 til 12.30 over i alt 14 gange. Eller det vil sige det er faktisk kl. 10 – det havde min hjerne bare valgt at lave om til kl. 11.

Da jeg ankommer kl. 10.55 holder de pause, så døren er åben og jeg går ind, siger hej og sætter mig. Min hjerne opfanger (på det her tidspunkt) ikke, at de alle sad klar med papirer og kaffe på bordet, en af de andre deltagere kigger endda længe på mig og smiler lidt mærkeligt. Normalt er der en madras i lokalet man kan ligge på, som jeg aldrig har brugt tidligere, men jeg kunne mærke jeg ville få brug for den i dag. Så jeg spørger vores psykolog, om det er muligt at hun kan hente den, og det gør hun så. Jeg starter med at sætte mig i stolen, og her opdager jeg så også at jeg havde glemt min rygpude i bilen – TORSK!

Hun går i gang med sin Powerpoint, og min hjerne kæmper for at få hendes ord til at give mening. Min krop sitrer/ryster lidt og kan slet ikke slappe af. Kort efter skal vi lave en lille øvelse – min hjerne begynder at vågne lidt op og jeg får lidt på papiret. Inden der er gået længe siger hun, at vi skal til at afslutte for vi er snart færdige for i dag. WHAT??? Jeg er jo næsten lige kommet.

Min hjerne går helt i baglås og jeg får fremstammet
”Sig mig engang er jeg kommet for sent?”

”JA” siger de alle i kor og griner. ”Jamen, har I flyttet tiden?” – her er jeg stadig overbevidst om, at det må være dem der har rykket tiden. Men nej! Jeg kunne mærke hvordan blodet steg mig til hovedet og jeg blev rød i hovedet. PINLIGT! Tankerne fløj igennem hovedet på mig.

Så der kom jeg brasende 1 time for sent, ikke sagt undskyld jeg kom for sent, men i stedet bedt om en madras og ellers bare sat mig og hældt te op. Det minder mig om nogle drenge i Handelsskolen, der altid kom for sent til timerne og havde den der ”ingen-skal-bestemme-hvornår-jeg-skal-møde” attitude. Jeg krummede tæer over mig selv, og kunne slet ikke være i mig selv de sidste 5 min. Heldigvis fik vi alle et godt grin bagefter og blev enige om, at vores hjerner bare er ramt nogle dage pga. smerter/uro i kroppen/tankemylder.

Jeg er ikke så pinligt berørt mere, men mere forbavset over mig selv. At jeg på intet tidspunkt opfangede alle de enormt tydelige signaler, der indikerede at jeg kom for sent. Godt det skete i dette forum – siger jeg bare! De forstår og har helt sikkert prøvet noget lignende.

Nu er det vist bedst jeg slukker og lukker i nogle timer inden jeg i aften skal til et foredrag med Gigtforeningen med emnet ”På job med kroniske smerter”. Selvom jeg jo ikke er i arbejde lige nu, synes jeg det er meget relevant. Så håber jeg bare min hjerne også vælger at møde op.

Tak fordi du læste med 😊
Kærligst Zinna

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