Hvordan bliver man ligeglad med hvad andre tænker?

De siger det alle steder, vi forsøger at overbevise os selv om det, og de sociale medier prædiker om, at vi skal være ligeglade med hvad andre tænker om os. Men er det overhovedet muligt? Det vil jeg gerne diskutere, for jeg er nok af den overbevisning at vi skal gribe det an på en anden måde.

Jeg vil tage udgangspunkt i menneskets behov. Vores første og mest vigtige behov er det fysiologiske behov, som kommer til udtryk gennem sult, tørst og søvn. I denne del af verden er vi så priviligeret, at de fleste slet ikke bekymrer sig om at få dækket dette behov. Når dette behov er tilfredsstillet opstår behovet for sikkerhed og tryghed dvs. beskyttelse mod vind og vejr, smerter og andet ubehag såsom angst og frygt. Tja, dette behov er mange så heldige også at kunne skøjte igennem, men langt fra alle. Efter behovet for tryghed kommer det jeg vil frem til, nemlig det sociale behov. Vi har et stort behov for fællesskab, kærlighed, venskab samt at have et tilhørsforhold til enkeltpersoner og grupper. Det er også spørgsmålet om at føle sig accepteret af sine nære omgivelser, familie, naboer og arbejdskollegaer.

Det er vel dette behov der spiller ind når man bekymrer sig om hvad andre tænker om en. Vil de nu acceptere mig som jeg er? Vil jeg stadig være en del af fællesskabet? Vil jeg forsat blive elsket og værdsat? Måske gør vi ubevidst mere for at få dækket dette behov end vi lige vil erkende og/eller stå ved. Vores adfærd er vel i høj grad styret af, at vi ønsker at blive accepteret, elsket og være en del af et fællesskab. Nogen påstår de er ligeglad med hvad andre tænker om dem. Det vil jo sige, at de ikke vil lade andres mening eller bedømmelse påvirke deres adfærd. De påstår, at de hviler så meget i sig selv, at de i kraft af deres høje selvværd kan gøre 100% hvad de har lyst til uden at tænke på hvad andre tænker om det.

Og her er vi nået til det næste behov. På dette niveau drejer behovene sig om selvrespekt, selvtillid, kunnen, anerkendelse, status og værdighed. Men husk at dette behov først bliver påtrængende når behovene på de tre lavere niveauer er tilfredsstillet. Det vil sige at det sociale behov først skal dækkes. Det giver mening, for hvordan skal man fx kunne føle anerkendelse og værdighed, hvis ikke man er en del af et socialt fællesskab?

Jeg vil derfor mene, at det er meget svært, at påstå at andres mening ikke betyder noget. Men man kan så omvendt sige, at hvis man har opbygget et meget højt selvværd, føler sig anerkendt og respekteret i alle aspekter i livet, og man stortrives socialt, så føler man måske at andres mening ikke betyder noget. Men hvis nu denne person med det høje selvværd pludselig ikke får den samme respekt og anerkendelse, og vedkommende måske endda ikke længere føler sig en del af fællesskabet – så vil det vel ramme hans selvværd og så vil andres mening jo alligevel komme til at betyde noget.

Giver det mening – det håber jeg🤔

Efter jeg skrev ovenstående læste jeg et opslag på Instagram. Ja, jeg kan fundere og skrive på mine blogindlæg over lang tid – nogle gange flere uger. Opslaget er skrevet af Hverdags_psykologi og jeg vil opfordre dig til at læse hele indlægget her.

Hverdags_Psykologi på Instagram kan virkelig anbefales. Jeg er vild med hendes fine stregtegninger og vigtige budskaber.

Indlægget handler kort fortalt om, at vi alle gerne vil passe ind og være perfekt, og den facade vi går rundt med netop for at skjule vores kriser kræver utroligt meget af os, og kan være med til at vælte os. Men at mange af os samtidig godt kan lide at være sammen med mennesker, som er oprigtige og viser deres sårbarhed – fordi sammen med disse mennesker kan vi slappe af og lade facaden få en pause. Hverdags_psykologi opfordrer til, at vi er mere ærlige om de udfordringer vi møder i livet – de problemer som kan gøre livet svært.

Dette rammende indlæg fik mig til at tænke over, at det måske ikke handler så meget om hvad andre tænker om os, men at det måske handler mere om at omgive os med mennesker, som kan rumme os og vores op- og nedture. Jeg har gennem de sidste 10 år været igennem flere kriser, og jeg har tydeligt i mine kriser kunne mærke, at mennesker reagerer meget forskelligt på min åbenhed omkring det. Jeg har altid været meget åben omkring mine kriser – jeg viser når tårerne ikke kan holdes tilbage og det hele virker håbløst, men jeg viser også min glædesrus når tingene vender og det går fremad.  Det er jo sådan livet er – det går op og ned – også for dem som ikke fortæller åbent om det. Mange har en tendens til at sammenligne deres liv med andres, hvilket kan være meget skadeligt. Jeg har altid forsøgt at minde mig selv om at de fleste har kriser, også dem der skjuler det. Der er selvfølgelig nogen der slipper nemmere igennem livet end andre, men det gavner jo ikke mig at være misundelig over det.

Jeg må indrømme, at jeg tidligere har tænkt meget over hvad andre tænker om mig, dog har det aldrig stoppet mig fra at være åben omkring mine kriser. Jeg har især med opstart af denne blog for et halvt år siden, delt mine kriser med alle, men jeg kan også mærke at det deler vandene. Nogen synes det er sejt, nogen jeg ikke taler så meget med rækker pludselig en hånd ud og åbner op, fordi de kan nikke genkendende til mine følelser. Men andre bliver tavse og kan ikke rumme den åbenhed og den udlevering jeg pludselig kommer med omkring noget, som andre finder meget privat. Det er for mig helt naturligt, at vi er meget forskellige på det område, men med inspiration fra Hverdags_psykologi kan jeg kun være tilhænger af, at vi alle åbner lidt mere op og dermed gør det mere normalt at have kriser. Og her taler jeg ikke kun om de åbenbare livskriser som ikke kan skjules, men også de mere skjulte kriser, som der er mere tabubelagte. Den eneste måde vi kan skabe mere viden og bekæmpe tabuet er ved at tale om det. Det behøves ikke gøres ved at starte en blog, men kan også gøres ved at åbne lidt mere op for venner, familie, kollegaer osv.

Gennem de sidste år er jeg i hvert fald personligt kommet frem til, at jeg fungerer bedst når jeg omgiver mig med mennesker som, ligesom mig, er åbne om deres op- og nedture i livet. Med dem kan jeg slappe af, være mig selv og føle mig accepteret – også når mit liv ikke er perfekt (hvilket det sjældent er). Jeg føler jeg har mere at snakke med disse mennesker om, og jeg får noget positivt med fra samværet. I mine sårbare perioder kan det dræne mig for energi at være sammen med mennesker, som altid opretholder facaden og ikke åbner op.

Så min konklusion må være, at det ikke handler så meget om, at vi skal være ligeglade med hvad andre mennesker tænker om os – for det mener jeg er umuligt. Men at det handler mere om, at vi omgiver os med mennesker, som også viser det uperfekte og dermed ikke tænker negativt om os når vi ikke er perfekte. På den måde vil vi jo naturligt ikke bekymre os så meget om andres mening. Hvis man indgår i et fællesskab, hvor der tales om livets op- og nedture (også de mere private og svære af slagsen), så vil det jo blive normalen og man vil ikke føle sig anderledes, fordi man i en periode er meget sårbar eller fejler. Og jo mere åben vi alle er omkring den slags jo mere normalt vil det blive, og det vil gå op for os at det perfekte, det findes ikke. Så vi bliver nok aldrig helt ligeglad med hvad andre tænker om os, men vi kan befinde os i et miljø hvor vi kan være trygge og være os selv.

Tak fordi du læste med 😊
Kærligst Zinna

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