Hvordan er jeg havnet her?

Ja, så er jeg sgu i gang som blogger og jeg forestiller mig at det første indlæg må være det sværeste og mest grænseoverskridende. Jeg har valgt at skrive om hvordan jeg er havnet hvor jeg er nu.

Som du kan læse under Om Bloggen så er jeg blevet kategoriseret som kronisk smertepatient pga. en dårlig ryg. Det går helt tilbage til 2004 hvor jeg falder ned af nogle trapper – her starter mit rygmareridt. Det går op og ned indtil 2015 hvor jeg får en diskusprolaps og må akut opereres. Efter den sædvanlige genoptræning går det ok og jeg kan vende tilbage til mit drømmejob. Men der går ikke længe før smerterne igen bliver modbydelige og jeg må ty til morfin for at lindre smerterne. Det bliver min redning og jeg føler mig flyvende, men lykken var kort……

Efter nogle måneder vender smerterne gradvist tilbage igen og jeg vælger at gå på dobbelt dosis – det hjælper, men igen var lykken kort. Efter 10 mdr. på morfin vælger jeg at blive undersøgt igen – der må jo være en grund til at smerterne bliver voldsommere. Kirurgen som opererede mig kan ud fra en ny MR scanning forklare, at flere diskos er yderligere degenereret siden operationen, at jeg har slidgigt i ryggen og at jeg har Modic forandringer (frygt ikke – jeg anede heller ikke hvad det var!).

Jeg valgte derefter at kontakte en dygtig fysioterapeut for måske trænede jeg helt forkert? Jeg har siden operationen været meget stabil med min træning og trænet 5-7 timer om ugen. Og med træning mener jeg gåture, svømme og styrkeøvelser – altså alt det kedelige!!! Jeg er faktisk meget mere til træning med høj intensitet og høj puls – var i mange år spinning instruktør (hold nu kæft hvor jeg savner den høje musik, sveden der driver af mig og alle de skønne deltagere på mine hold). Nå, men fysioterapeuten kunne konkludere, at jeg havde gode muskler i ryggen og trænede optimalt. Men hvorfor skal jeg så have så ondt? Alle siger jo at smerterne kan trænes væk. Tjaaa, jeg fik så til gengæld også at vide at min ryg havde brug for pauser og hvil i løbet af dagen, hvilket der på ingen måde var plads til i det liv jeg levede.

Jeg begyndte samtidig at undersøge hvad Modicforandringer er, og det gav mig et bedre indblik i min krop og mine smerter. Kort fortalt er det en betændelsestilstand i ryghvirvlerne, som giver mange smerter og endnu flere smerter hvis man træner. Du kan læse mere i mit mere dybdegående indlæg om Modicforandringer.

Sideløbende så jeg nogle udsendelser på TV om afhængighed af Morfin præparater, som skræmte mig enormt meget. Man fulgte personer som bogstaveligt talt blev narkomaner og mistede både job, familie og venner. Sagen er den at medicinen er stærkt vanedannende og kroppen skal have højere og højere dosis for at give den samme effekt.

Jeg stod ved en skillevej hvor jeg kunne vælge at fortsætte i mit højt elskede job med fede udfordringer, et stort ansvar og en god løn. Men det ville kræve mere morfin – og hvor længe kunne jeg blive ved med det? Jeg var nået til et punkt hvor jeg brugte alt min energi på mit arbejde, og når jeg kom hjem til familien måtte jeg trække stikket og lade op, for at kunne klare næste arbejdsdag. Frygten for at miste min familie blev større, og jeg er jo på ingen måde villig til at løbe den risiko.

Så jeg tog en svær men meget vigtig beslutning, som har store konsekvenser for min fremtid. Jeg tog fat i min chef og forklarede at jeg ikke længere kunne arbejde fuld tid, og at jeg havde taget et valg om at prioritere mit helbred og min familie. Det er noget af det sværeste jeg nogensinde har måtte gøre. Min karriere har altid været en stor del af min identitet og det var her jeg følte succes og anerkendelse.

Jeg valgte samtidig at trappe ud af morfinen for ikke at ende som “narkoman”. Det viste sig at være en tur gennem helvede og tilbage igen – jeg endte derfor også med at blive fuldtidssygemeldt. Rysteture, svedture, høj puls, hurtig vejrtrækning, indlæggelse pga. maveinfektion og en kortvarig depression ramte mig med 100 km i timen. Det tog mig 1½ måned at blive helt clean og derefter måtte jeg døje med abstinenserne i aftagende grad i yderligere 2 måneder. Jeg påbegyndte mit arbejde igen for en måned siden og arbejder nu ca. 10 timer om ugen. Smerterne tillader desværre ikke mere.

Jeg har i denne svære tid haft et meget negativt tankemønster om den situationen jeg er havnet i. Men heldigvis er min kampgejst nu vendt tilbage, og jeg har valgt at jeg VIL vinde kampen mod smerterne og de skal IKKE have lov at styre mit liv….. NEVER GIVING UP!

Tak fordi du læste med 😊
Kærligst Zinna

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