Så er det vist på tide jeg fortæller om, hvordan det gik med den udfordring jeg havde stillet mig selv. I tirsdags skrev jeg om hvordan jeg misunder andre for deres gode helbred, og fredag lidt om hvad jeg så kan gøre ved det. Du kan læse de to indlæg her (hvis du ikke allerede har læst dem):
- 10. april 2018: Den forbudte følelse…..
- 13. april 2018: Udfordringens dag er kommet….
Inden vi ankom til receptionen havde jeg været i gang et stykke tid. Skulle jo i bad, gøre mig klar og vi skulle forbi en vinhandler efter en gave. Det betød at jeg allerede på dette tidspunkt var ved at have brug for et hvil. Det er ikke alle der tænker over at forberedelsen (som bare er småting for andre) faktisk også tager en stor del af de få batterier jeg får tildelt hver dag. Da vi ankommer til receptionen, går vi rundt og hilser på folk, og derefter kunne jeg ikke trække den længere med det hvil. I et rum som ligger ud til kantinen (hvor alle gæsterne sidder) er en seng jeg kan ligge i. Det er så også blevet dagens børnerum hvor alle børn sidder og ser tegnefilm. Jeg lagde mig på sengen, og børnene kiggede undrende på mig, så jeg forklarede at jeg havde brug for at hvile ryggen, og snakkede ellers videre med dem om alt muligt andet. En veninde kom ind og satte sig ved mig, hvilket var meget betryggende. Der kom nogle enkelte ind i lokalet, men jeg følte ikke det var nødvendigt at sige noget, da jeg jo talte med min veninde. Måske undrede de sig over hvorfor jeg lå der, men faktisk så bekymrede det mig slet ikke. På intet tidspunkt følte jeg nogle af alle de ubehagelige følelser, som jeg havde frygtet i flere dage. Det havde selvfølgelig nok været noget andet, hvis jeg havde ligget ude midt i rummet hvor alle sad eller gik forbi. Men jeg tror også at jeg mentalt havde forberedt mig på de værst tænkelige følelser, også kan man vel næsten kun blive positivt overrasket👏🏼
Min mand satte sig sammen med nogle venner og fik noget at spise mens jeg hvilede. Han fortalte mig efterfølgende, at han fik mange spørgsmål om hvorfor jeg lå derinde. Så i stedet for at jeg skulle forklare en masse, så havde de fleste fået en kort forklaring da jeg kom ud igen. Flere spurgte uddybende til hvad jeg fejler. Jeg er glad for folk spørger interesseret, og jeg fortæller meget gerne. Men det fylder også meget. Det er en svær balance, for lige nu handler hele mit liv næsten udelukkende om den behandling jeg er i gang med og min tilvænning til et nyt liv. Jeg føler heller ikke jeg har så meget andet at kunne bidrage med – jeg oplever jo ikke en skid. Alle andre kan tale om deres arbejde, fritidsinteresser eller noget de har været ude at opleve – det er der bare ikke så meget af i mit liv for tiden. Jeg ved heldigvis det er for en begrænset periode og at jeg forhåbentlig kommer til at kunne mere end jeg kan i dag🙏🏼
Jeg er bare virkelig glad for, at jeg gennemførte udfordringen, selvom det ikke var til fuld skue for alle denne gang, så er jeg alligevel stolt af, at jeg ikke følte ubehag. Og det er det vigtigste lige nu, for det har nemlig medført, at jeg er klar på at gøre det igen. Så nu skal jeg bare gøre det så meget som muligt for at træne det. Øvelse gør mester💪🏼
Efter receptionen var jeg hjemme og hvile et par timer inden jeg havde en date med min lækre mand❤ Det er SÅ længe siden vi har oplevet noget sammen, og derfor var det også enormt vigtigt, at jeg ikke pressede mig selv for meget til receptionen – jeg skulle gemme nogle kræfter. Det er meget usædvanligt at have 2 aktiviteter på en dag, men jeg ville ikke gå glip af netop disse to. Jeg vidste jeg ville overforbruge mit lager af batterier, og dermed tage af næste dags lager, men som skrevet tidligere tager jeg nogle bevidste valg ind imellem for at få lidt på kontoen med livskvalitet. Så længe det ikke bliver for ofte, så kan det gå.
Vi elsker at gå til koncerter og denne aften var Turboweekend på programmet. Jeg nåede at få lidt ondt inden de gik på, men hold nu op hvor kunne Turboweekend få mig til at glemme alle mine smerter (måske hjalp det smertestillende morfin også lidt!). Jeg bliver bogstaveligt talt høj af live musik – også uden morfin eller alkohol😉 Jeg er typen der helst skal op tæt på scenen, jeg danser, klapper og gider absolut ikke small talk mens jeg er til koncert – jeg lever mig ind i det og mærker beatet i kroppen. Det gjorde jeg også i fredags og jeg ”glemte” alt om mine smerter i en time eller to – det var helt fantastisk🤩 Silas fra Turboweekend er nok også blandt de bedste til at få os alle til at glemme tid og sted, med det sceneshow han lægger for dagen. Han giver alt hvad han har inkl. dans nede blandt publikum og crowdsurfing i bar overkrop😍 Vi kørte hjem direkte efter koncerten, men det var også ok – jeg havde fået en dejlig oplevelse sammen med min mand og opsparing på kontoen med livskvalitet💰
Næste morgen ringede min første medicin-alarm som altid kl. 6.30, og her havde jeg mest lyst til bare at skide det medicin et langt stykke. Min krop ville absolut ikke samarbejde om at komme ud i køkkenet, men efter en længere kamp fik jeg min medicin og lidt at spise, selvom jeg absolut ikke havde lyst til mad (jeg skal spise sammen med medicin for ikke at ødelægge min mave). Så var det ellers på hovedet i seng og jeg kom først sådan rigtig op af sengen til aftensmaden. Vil for god ordens skyld tilføje at jeg ikke havde tømmermænd – alkohol går ikke så godt i spænd med morfin, nervepiller og antibiotika😳
Om formiddagen var jeg stadig høj af den gode oplevelse, og jeg accepterede trætheden og smerterne, men efterhånden som timerne går, og det ikke bliver bedre, kan det være svært at holde humøret højt. Over middag hygger Freya og jeg med lidt papirsklip i sengen, og jeg bliver pludselig ramt af en voldsom træthed, som er svær at forklare. Ligegyldig hvor meget jeg kæmpede imod faldt jeg i søvn lige der med saksen i hånden midt i papirsklip med Freya. Jeg kan svagt huske, at hun forsøgte at holde mig vågen, men intet hjalp. Jeg var helt væk i omkring 3 timer. Husker svagt at jeg på et tidspunkt vågner pga. stærke smerter og svedetur (stadig i en form for tåge). Jeg tænker, at jeg må forsøge at vende mig eller i det mindste skubbe dynen af, men min krop ville ikke bevæge sig – ikke kun pga. smerter men også som om jeg var bedøvet. Jeg er stadig lidt forskrækket. Det minder mig om hukommelsen man har efter en aften i en voldsom brandert. Jeg ved ikke helt hvad der sker i kroppen, men kan bare sige det var meget ubehageligt – det var helt udenfor min kontrol. Jeg er glad for jeg ikke var alene hjemme med børnene, for jeg tror ikke de kunne have vækket mig.
Det er en høj pris at betale for en halv dag med oplevelser, men jeg ville gøre det igen. For hvad ville mit liv være hvis jeg aldrig kom ud og oplevede noget? I dag er heldigvis en god dag, så humøret er opadgående 🙂 Jeg har faktisk også været lidt til nytte i dag. Bagt boller i morges, gået tur med banditten, ordnet lidt vasketøj og lavet madplan til næste uge (og hvilet) – det er sgu en god dag. Keep ’em coming😎
Tak fordi du læste med 😊
Kærligst Zinna
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