Kriser der gør os stærkere

I disse dage er det netop 10 år siden vi også var igennem en livskrise. Normalt fejrer man ikke 10 års jubilæum for en livskrise, men denne her fortjener faktisk at blive fejret. Den lange seje kamp har nemlig resulteret i at vi i dag har et sæt sunde og raske tvillinger på snart 10 år som beriger vores liv hver dag👫❤

Jeg er i dag utroligt taknemlig for at have tvillinger, men jeg ville lyve hvis jeg ikke også sagde, at jeg mange gange har ønsket jeg kunne have fået dem med års mellemrum. Som alle andre gravide læste jeg bøger om at være gravid og blive mor – men det var sgu spild af tid, for stort set intet gik som beskrevet i bøgerne😳

Gravid i 5. måned

Da jeg var 3 mdr. henne måtte jeg deltidssygemeldes pga. hovedpine, kvalme og svimmelhed. 4 mdr. henne blev jeg fuldtidssygemeldt og til en rutine scanning i uge 24 viste det sig, at de plukveer der generede mig faktisk var en truende fødsel. Inden scanningen var slut blev jeg beordret ikke at rejse mig og jeg skulle ikke forvente at komme hjem. “Hvad? Det kan I da ikke mene! Jeg kan vel i det mindste tage hjem og pakke nogle ting?” Efter lidt flere undersøgelser blev jeg overflyttet til Skejby Sygehus i Århus.

Opholdet på Skejby var vi absolut ikke forberedt på – den slags kan ingen forberede sig på! De første par uger fortsatte mine veer/plukveer on and off, og nogle gange med så korte intervaller at vi 3-4 gange endte på fødestuen. Jeg klemte ballerne sammen og heldigvis valgte de små at blive i maven lidt endnu og falde til ro. Den første tid måtte jeg ikke engang sidde op og spise, og et normalt bad var en ugentlig begivenhed. Men jeg fik trods alt lov at gå på toilet selv, men det var det eneste tidspunkt jeg måtte rejse mig.

Ude og få lidt frisk luft

Lægerne var ret sikre på jeg ville føde inden længe, og derfor skulle vi forberedes på hvad der ventede os. Vi kom derfor på besøg på afdelingen med for tidligt fødte (ja, jeg måtte køres derover i hospitalssengen). Vi så små babyer på 700-900 gr. og fik informationer om hvilke komplikationer der var risiko for. Vi fik grundig information om den store risiko for hjerneskade, og det var derfor nødvendigt, at vi tog stilling til hvor meget lægerne skulle gøre for at redde vores tvillinger, hvis det viste sig de var hjerneskadet. Jeg tror ikke jeg var helt til stede den dag og er faktisk ikke sikker på hvor meget jeg forstod af det hele.

Dagene gik heldigvis indtil uge 27, hvor jeg vågner midt om natten og må konstatere at vandet er gået. Hold kæft hvor blev jeg bange. Men heldigvis kom der ikke umiddelbart veer. Lægen forklarede, at Freya godt kunne trives i maven selvom vandet var gået (det var hendes vand der var gået). Man danner åbenbart nyt fostervand hele tiden, men fordi der nu var hul, gik jeg fra den dag rundt med sivende fostervand. Men den største risiko og grunden til at de fleste føder kort tid efter vandet er gået, er at man har stor risiko for en infektion. Men i denne situation gør man alt for at holde babyerne i maven – bare et par dage kan gøre en stor forskel. Jeg måtte presse lægen for at få et klart svar på hans forventninger, og han måtte indrømme at han forventede en fødsel indenfor 4-6 dage.
På mirakuløs vis lykkedes det mig at holde på vores tvillingerne indtil uge 31 – altså 4 uger fra vandet gik. Den 27. juni 2008 kom vores tvillinger til verden ved en normal fødsel (2 mdr. for tidligt). Freya blev født kl. 18:19 og blev straks lagt i kuvøse og flyttet til neonatalafd. Synes sgu jeg klarede den fødsel ret godt, men jeg var totalt færdig – jeg var jo fuldstændig afkræftet efter at have ligget fladt ned i 2 mdr. “Så tager vi lige en mere” siger jordmoderen – “Ja, det kan du sgu sagtens sige!!!”

Hjalte var absolut ikke klar på at se dagens lys og alt gik i stå. Så der blev forsøgt med max dosis vestimulerende, to jordmødre der presser på maven oppefra og en tredje der forsøger med diverse remedier nedefra. Der gik næsten en hel time og der skete ikke meget,så de begyndte at tale om kejsersnit. Og da de kort tid efter mistede hjertelyden på Hjalte, kom der sgu en ukendt Kriger frem i mig. Tanken om at Hjalte var i fare gjorde at jeg pressede som en gal, selvom jeg ikke havde presseveer. En time efter Freya kom Hjalte til verden. Han var blå og livløs og jeg følte mig lammet. Børnelægerne arbejdede på højtryk – jeg prøvede at fange min mands blik i kaosset, men han var svær at finde bag de 8-10 sygeplejersker, jordmødre, narkoselæger, børnelæger osv. der stod omkring mig. Jeg forsøgte at få øje på Hjalte på bordet til højre for mig og ventede bare på at høre ham græde. Det føltes som uendeligt lang tid inden jeg kunne skimte Hjaltes arm få farve og til sidst høre gråd. Selvom vi kunne ånde lettet op, var det svært at være rolig når begge børn straks blev kørt væk, og vi ikke anede hvad der foregik. Jeg bad derfor Søren gå ned til vores nyfødte, selvom jeg godt vidste han ikke kunne hjælpe, men det havde jeg det bedst med.

Første gang jeg rørte mine børn

Der lå jeg så tilbage med en jordmoder og sygeplejeske der skulle få mig gjort færdig. Jeg har aldrig følt mig så ensom og bange – der gik flere timer inden jeg fik dem at se. Der lå de så – omkring 1600 gr. hver proppet med slanger og maskiner inde i hver sin kuvøse. Det eneste jeg ønskede var at holde dem tæt ind til mig, men der gik flere dage før det var muligt. Den nat var den mest ensomme og forvirrende i mit liv. Jeg sov på en tomandsstue med en fremmed, Søren sov derhjemme og tvillingerne var på en anden afdeling. Det var ikke noget vi selv besluttede – sådan var det bare.

Jeg havde forventet jeg skulle føle en overvældende kærlighed, en lykkefølelse, men jeg følte INTET! Jeg var fuldstændig tom indeni.

Tiden derefter føltes lang og hård. Der var mange op- og nedture. Nætter hvor vi blev vækket, fordi Hjalte havde store udfald og ikke trak vejret. Og dage hvor de gjorde fremskridt og lidt efter lidt kunne undvære alle maskinerne og alarmerne. Det gik samlet set så godt, at vi fik lov at komme hjem allerede en måned efter fødslen. Det var befriende at komme hjem efter jeg samlet havde været indlagt i 3 mdr. Men samtidig var det skræmmende at skulle klare det hele selv uden det sikkerhedsnet vi havde på sygehuset.

Freya og Hjalte udviklede sig ligeså stille, men havde mange problemer med et underudviklet mave/tarmsystemet. Det svarer til det de fleste kender som kolik. Det stod på i over et helt år inden det begyndte at aftage. De skreg så meget, at vi måtte sove i hver sin ende af huset med et barn hver, for bare at få lidt søvn ind imellem skrigeriet. I perioder måtte min mor komme mens Søren var på arbejde, for jeg kunne ikke klare det alene. Jeg var udmagret fra at amme to børn, og manglede så meget søvn at jeg hverken havde energi eller overskud til selv at spise ind imellem amningerne.

Min barsel var ærligt talt som at være på en overlevelsestur jeg ikke kunne komme hjem fra. Alle mine drømme om et hyggeligt barselsliv måtte jeg pakke langt væk. Jeg tror de fleste mødre kan nikke genkendende til hvor svært det er når ens børn græder og man ikke kan hjælpe. Til sidst fyldte det så meget, at jeg ikke følte jeg slog til som mor – de græd jo hele tiden og jeg kunne ikke trøste dem😢

Pasningen efter endt barsel var svær for dem – de var begge meget sensitive og krævede meget omsorg. Efter at have forsøgt med flere dagplejere måtte vi flytte dem i vuggestue. Her kunne der sættes ekstra ressourcer og uddannet personale på dem, hvilket viste sig at være den rigtige løsning. Efter 1½ år begyndte der at komme mere ro og stabilitet over deres hverdag – det var en befrielse. Det var også her jeg pludselig en dag, da jeg henter dem i vuggestue, mærker moderkærligheden for første gang. Denne dag står så tydeligt i min erindring – jeg kan se dem for mig – de kravler glad rundt og leger, da jeg står i døren og får tårer i øjnene. Lige der mærkede jeg for første gang den kærlighed, som jeg havde forventet jeg skulle mærke kort tid efter fødslen. Kan mærke det er hårdt at skrive om, og jeg får tårer i øjnene – det er både triste og glade tårer. For ligeså trist som jeg er over, at jeg gik glip af den følelse i over 1½ år, ligeså taknemlig er jeg for at jeg fik følelsen den dag, og at jeg siden den dag har haft muligheden for at elske dem mere og mere for hver eneste dag.

Freya og Hjalte ca. 1½ år

Vores dejlige tvillinger har klaret det så flot og de er nogle små fightere. De har ikke nogle alvorlige mén efter den tidlige fødsel, dog er de begge meget sensitive på hver deres meget forskellige måde, og det har givet nogle udfordringer gennem tiden.

Når fosterlivet afbrydes for tidligt er der områder i nervesystemet, der ikke har opnået fuld modenhed. Kontrasten er meget stor fra det beskyttede liv i livmoderen, til de høje lyde, skarpe lys og mange sansestimuli. Som lille havde Hjalte meget svært ved berøring, lyde, mange mennesker og for mange aktiviteter. Der er blevet taget en del særlige hensyn til ham i de første år af hans liv, men han er med tiden kommet utroligt langt. Vi har gennem årene lært rigtigt meget, om hvordan vi kan hjælpe Hjalte. Han har brug for ro, pauser, god nattesøvn, stabilitet, forudsigelighed og en masse forståelse. Det er stadig hårdt for ham at komme nye steder hen, eller tage på lejr, eller være med til emneuge i skolen – alt sammen fordi det er ukendt og uforudsigeligt. Hjalte vil altid have brug for planlægning og skemaer. Men vi har heldigvis rigtig mange metoder til at hjælpe ham og han rykker sig hele tiden – han har aldrig troet så meget på sig selv, været så stærk og så modig som han er lige nu🤩

Freya har mere gå på mod overfor nye ting – hendes følsomhed er mere fysisk. Hun er ekstremt følsom overfor smerte, og har haft perioder hvor strømper, mærker i tøjet og handsker var en daglig kamp. Hun er en meget bestemt dame, som har en vilje af stål. Det er en stærk egenskab, som gør at hun ikke giver op og derfor er stærk både fagligt i skolen og i fritiden med hendes springgymnastik. Men det kan også nogle gange give udfordringer i samværet med andre. Hun er ligesom Hjalte også tryghedssøgende, men hos hende behøver det ikke nødvendigvis være mor eller far der støtter hende – det kan også være andre voksne. Freya er ved at finde sig selv og hendes styrker, hvilket giver hende selvtillid og vi kan se hun blomstrer op🌸

Denne reflektion hjælper mig til at finde kræfter og tro på, at vi også kan klare den modgang vi nu er blevet sat overfor. Som I nok ved tror jeg meget på, at det vi ikke dør af, det gør os stærkere. Så derfor synes jeg bestemt det er værd at fejre dette 10 års jubilæum🍾🥂

Har du også været igennem nogle kriser der har gjort dig stærkere? Så husk at fejre at du klarede det og at du står stærkere i dag. Du er SEJ💪🏼

Tak fordi du læste med 😊
Kærligst Zinna

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