Mor græder – hun har ondt!

I går kom min datter hen og lagde sig ved mig, mens jeg var i gang med at svare på en besked: ”Hvem skriver du til, mor?” – ”En der har ondt i ryggen ligesom mor – du kender hende ikke” – ”Jamen mor, hun ligner da ikke en der har ondt!”. Lige netop, man kan ikke se på os at vi har ondt. Mine børn kan heller ikke altid se, at jeg har ondt. Men her kommer et dilemma, som sikkert fylder meget hos mødre/fædre med kroniske smerter/sygdom.

Skal vi skjule vores smerter/sygdom for vores børn for at skåne dem? Giver vi dem en masse bekymringer ved at være åbne og fortælle den fulde sandhed? Eller vil de i stedet lære at livet også indebærer modgang og sygdom? Lære at man godt kan leve et godt liv på trods af modgang? Lære dem at vi som familie er der for hinanden og kan tale om livets udfordringer? Lære dem at hjælpe ekstra med huslige pligter fordi mor ikke kan? Lære dem at det som voksen ikke er et nederlag at bede om hjælp?

Vi har som forældre en tendens til at beskytte vores børn fra den smertefulde sandhed. Men vi skal huske på at børn opfanger stemninger og vil uundgåeligt kunne mærke smerten, uanset hvor meget vi prøver at skjule den. Jeg tror på, at hvis vi udelukker vores børn, så går de bare igennem smerten alene, og de vil ofte selv finde forklaringer, som muligvis er værre end virkeligheden. Hvis vi undgår sandheden ved fx at sige: ”Mor græder ikke – hun har bare fået noget i øjet”, så vil børnene også lære, at de ikke kan stole på deres egne fornemmelser. Jeg gør selvfølgelig alt for ikke at græde foran  børnene, men virkeligheden er at jeg kan blive ked af det, og vores børn skal også vide, at det er ok at vise man er ked af det, også som voksen. Så jeg siger: ”Jeg er ked af det lige nu, men jeg skal nok blive glad igen”. Jeg tænker også de kan lære noget af at se mor kæmper, og de skal derfor også være en del af sejrene. Jeg tror de bliver stærkere og måske også bedre til selv at kæmpe nogle kampe, når de engang bliver voksne.

Men jeg mener samtidig, at graden af involvering skal opvejes i forhold til det enkelte barns alder og udvikling.  Vores tvillinger er snart 10 år og forstår efterhånden meget om livet. Jeg vil gerne lære mine børn, at livet ikke kun er en dans på roser, og på den måde også forberede dem på et liv med op- og nedture. Jeg vil ikke pakke dem ind i vat, men i stedet give dem et realistisk billede af det liv der venter dem. Men for mig skal det komme løbende efterhånden som de er klar til det. Vi kan fx mærke at vores børn endnu ikke er klar til, at Nyhederne skal køre på TV mens de er vågne. Og der er også ting vi ikke taler om foran børnene, såsom dødelig sygdom eller dødsfald. Samtidig kan det ikke undgås de hører om ting i skolen eller at oldemor dør, også er det vigtigt tingene tales igennem.

Men mit dilemma går meget på, hvor meget de skal vide om mine smerter/sygdom. Når jeg ikke kan opfylde mine børns ønsker om fx at tage på heldagstur til Legoland, eller når jeg må sige stop efter vi har spillet et brætspil i 20 min. Jeg har et behov for, at de ved det ikke er manglende lyst til at være sammen med dem, men at det er pga. smerterne. Men hvis jeg 10 gange om dagen skal forklare om mine smerter, så kommer det til at fylde for meget i deres liv. Og det synes jeg desværre det gør for tiden. Der er mange ting jeg ikke kan, som uundgåeligt går ud over børnene. Når der er fødselsdag ved fætrene på Djursland må familien ofte tage af sted uden mig, fordi den lange køretur er for hård. Når vi er på tur eller besøg må vi ofte tage hjem før alle andre. Når der er sommerfest på skolen må mor blive hjemme. Jeg kunne blive ved. Og den dårlige samvittighed følger altid med. Den går mest på de manglende aktiviteter sammen som familie, og at børnene nogle gange sidder lidt for længe med en skærm, fordi overskuddet til at tage kampen mangler.

Jeg har i flere situationer oplevet, at vores børn i en snak forklarer
kammerater ”det kan vi ikke fordi vores mor har ondt i ryggen”

At se skuffelsen i vores børns øjne, fordi jeg igen igen har for mange smerter til at kunne deltage i det, der betyder noget for dem, det gør mig så ked af det. Og ofte kan det ende i en bebrejdelse – hvorfor kan jeg ikke bare tage mig sammen og gøre det for mine børns skyld – du er en dårlig mor, hvis du ikke kan det! Jeg har SÅ mange gange i min frustration over at måtte afvise dem sagt: ”I morgen, skat – der lover jeg dig, at vi skal hygge os sammen”. Smerterne er uforudsigelige, og i morgen er måske en rigtig slem dag. Derfor øver jeg mig på aldrig at love noget. Når vi lover vores børn noget, vi gang på gang ikke kan overholde, kan de begynde at miste troen på og respekten for det vi siger.

Jeg ville gerne jeg kunne skåne dem lidt mere, men samtidig har jeg også brug for tidspunkter, hvor jeg kan leve uden en maske på. Når jeg går uden for døren tager jeg meget af tiden en maske på, som ikke viser jeg har ondt eller er frustreret. Så når jeg er herhjemme har jeg altså også bare brug for engang imellem at lægge masken fra mig. Men når ungerne er faldet i søvn om aftenen opdager jeg tit, at jeg slet ikke har fået masken af. Andre dage krakelerer masken og jeg bliver enormt frustreret over, at de ikke bare kan blive færdige og falde i søvn. Jeg har desværre alt for mange gange ladet smerten få magten, og ladet det komme til udtryk gennem en vrede overfor mine børn og mand. Jeg bliver så ked af det og får så dårlig samvittighed hver gang det sker. Jeg bliver bedre og bedre til at styre det, men kan nok aldrig garantere, at det ikke vil ske igen. Men jeg kan til gengæld garantere, at jeg får sagt undskyld og forklarer at det ikke er dem, men mine smerter jeg er vred på.

Jeg kan ikke konkludere hvor meget mine børn skal involveres, men jeg er nok kommet frem til, at det er en løbende vurdering med mottoet ‘med ærlighed kommer man længst’ i baghovedet.

Livet vil altid byde på nogle udfordringer, om vi vil det eller ej. Vores børn lærer af vores handlinger. Vi kan lære dem, at vi sætter os ned og er opgivende, eller vi kan vise dem, hvordan vi accepterer den situation vi er i, og søger efter den bedst mulige løsning. Men det kan vi kun gøre, hvis vi er åbne og ærlige overfor vores børn. Og samtidig skal vi være klar til at støtte dem i den sorg de uundgåeligt også vil havne i når mor er syg.

Tak fordi du læste med 😊
Kærligst Zinna

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