Når tårerne ikke kan holdes tilbage

Jeg er ærligt talt fuldstændig utilregnelig og vil mene, at jeg har humørsvingninger som 10 kvinder med PMS tilsammen🙈 Og hvordan fanden lærer jeg at tøjle det så ikke de få mennesker, der er omkring mig løber skrigende væk? Skal jeg holde mig selv lidt nede de dage, hvor jeg er optimist og tror på mirakler? Og skal jeg tage min efterhånden ret slidte glad-maske på de dage, hvor jeg ikke kan se lyset, og bare har lyst til at isolere mig et sted, hvor jeg ikke skal forholde mig til noget eller nogen? Eller skal jeg være ærlig, og vise hvordan jeg rent faktisk har det?

Det kræver faktisk utroligt mange kræfter at skulle holde sine følelser nede og tage en maske på. Og kræfter er ikke det jeg har overskud af i forvejen. Så måske er det bedst bare at blive hjemme under dynen de dage? Eller måske kan humøret vende, hvis man kommer afsted og får noget andet at tænke på? Eller måske risikerer man at bryde sammen i gråd foran alle – hvilket jeg så gjorde i dag!!😢

Jeg er faktisk ret åben og fortæller gerne om mig selv (den havde I nok regnet ud!). Men at blive ked af det og græde foran mennesker, der ikke står mig nært, er virkelig grænseoverskridende for mig og jeg følte mig enormt SVAG. Jeg er nok typen der gerne vil udstråle styrke og kontrol, men det er blevet enormt svært de sidste par år – især det sidste ½ år.

“Hvordan går det?” – Alle spørger jo i en god mening, men har de rent faktisk lyst til at høre hvordan jeg har det? Kan de overhovedet tåle at høre sandheden? Måske skal jeg bare sige det går fint, så vi kan komme videre uden at skulle snakke om min sygdom, men det ville jo være at stikke dem en fed løgn. Og faktisk har jeg dage hvor alene dette spørgsmål kan få tårerne frem i mine øjne. Nogen spørger af høflighed og fordi det ofte er åbningsreplikken – andre spørger fordi de oprigtigt er interesseret eller bekymret. Og hvis jeg kendte til baggrunden ville mit svar være forskelligt til de to. Men jeg er nok kommet frem til et kompromi, nemlig at svare “Der er gode dage og der er dårlige dage”. Det er jo sandheden, også kan den interesserede/bekymrede jo selv spørge mere ind hvis de vil vide mere. Men tænk at jeg er kommet dertil, hvor jeg skal forberede mig på spørgsmålet “Hvordan går det?” – det er virkelig skræmmende for mig.

Jeg har altid været den der holder snakken kørende, den der altid har noget at fortælle, og den der er god til at small talk. Men hvor er hun henne? Jeg er blevet nervøs, når jeg skal sige noget i en flok på mere end 2-3 personer og holder mig tilbage. Jeg føler ikke jeg har noget at bidrage med – jeg oplever stort set ikke andet end min sygdom. Jeg har også altid været den aktive, tovholderen, planlæggeren, initiativtageren, den spontane, osv. Men hvor er hun henne? Og hvem er jeg så nu, når jeg ikke kan være alt det mere? Kan andre overhovedet kende mig mere?

Alt det som andre måske kunne lide ved mig er væk – er jeg så overhovedet interessant at være sammen med mere?

Alle disse bekymringer væltede ind over mig i dag til Smertehåndtering hvor et af emnerne var ‘Du er langt mere end smerterne’.  Smerterne er blevet en del af mig, og jeg har svært ved at se på mig selv uden at se smerterne. Vi skulle i en øvelse prøve at ‘fjerne’ smerterne og placere dem i en boks der hedder livsvilkår, så de ikke længere er en del af mig, men istedet et livsvilkår, som jeg skal acceptere og arbejde med og ikke imod. Den næste øvelse var, at jeg istedet skulle identificere mig med mine værdier, altså min livsretning – hvad er vigtigt i mit liv. Denne øvelse slog mig helt ud og jeg kunne ikke holde tårerne tilbage. Det gik op for mig, at mine smerter har fuldstændig overtaget mine værdier. Alle på holdet så jeg begyndte at græde, og jeg måtte forlade lokalet – jeg kunne slet ikke stoppe det. Jeg ved jo godt, at de andre på holdet om nogen forstår, men derfor er det alligevel mega ubehageligt at græde foran andre, som jeg stort set ikke kender. Jeg følte mig som et lille barn. Jeg gik ud og tudede lidt på toilettet, fik derefter lidt frisk luft og valgte at gå tilbage. Selvom jeg fik en klump i halsen, bare ved at træde ind i lokalet igen, så lykkedes det at være med det sidste, selvom klumpen ikke forsvandt.

Nå, men tilbage til øvelsen – jeg er kommet frem til følgende værdier:

  • Det er vigtigt for mig at være en positiv og engageret mor
  • Det er vigtigt for mig at være en kærlig og stærk kone
  • Det er vigtigt for mig at have gode venner og være social med dem
  • Det er vigtigt for mig at komme ud og opleve noget, prøve noget nyt, udvide min horisont

Over de sidste par år har smerterne taget over og gjort at jeg ikke kan være noget af det eller gøre noget af det, og fremtiden er så usikker, så jeg ved ikke hvornår mine værdier igen kan blive mit fokus.

Formålet med øvelsen var at lave nogle små ændringer i hverdagen, så vi planlægger at bruge mere tid og energi på vores værdier. Så derfor skulle vi starte med at visualisere hvordan vi bruger vores energi/tid på en normal hverdag. Diagrammet viser min hverdag.

Øvelsen er jo som udgangspunkt fantastisk og faktisk burde alle (syg som rask) stoppe op i livet og lave denne øvelse. Det er sgu vigtigt, at vi ikke sidder på plejehjemmet og indser, at vi har brugt vores fokus på de helt forkerte ting. En australsk sygeplejerske har faktisk undersøgt hvad døende mennesker fortryder mest:

  1. Jeg ville ønske, at jeg havde haft modet til at leve et liv, som var tro mod mig selv, og ikke det som andre forventede af mig.
  2. Jeg ville ønske, at jeg ikke havde arbejdet så hårdt.
  3. Jeg ville ønske, at jeg havde haft modet til at udtrykke mine følelser.
  4. Jeg ville ønske, at jeg havde holdt kontakten med mine venner.
  5. Jeg ville ønske, at jeg havde tilladt mig selv være mere lykkelig.

Kilde: Det fortryder døende -Kristligt Dagblad 2012

Nå, men tilbage til min ret røvsyge hverdag. Det der slår mig mest ud er at mine muligheder er blevet så begrænset. Det er ikke en mulighed at sove mindre – det er vi vist alle kloge nok til at vide, at det vil give bagslag. Hvile i sengen kan jeg jo vælge at lade være med, men konsekvensen vil være ulidelige smerter, behov for morfin og større skade på mine ryghvirvler. På trods af disse konsekvenser vælger jeg nogle enkelte gange at tage noget hviletid og bruge på aktiviteter der gør mig glad. Tiden med familien vælger jeg nogle enkelte gange at skære ned på for at få tid til venner, et foredrag eller lign. Men netop tiden med familien er jo med i mine værdier, så den har høj prioritet. Selvom jeg er sygemeldt så er der næsten hver dag noget i kalenderen: laserbehandling, fysio, møde på kommunen, lægebesøg, varmtvandsbassin, smertekursus, psykolog osv. Det kan jeg ikke lave om på. Og de sidste tre på listen er nødvendigt for at holde mig og huset kørende. Så tidsmæssigt kan jeg ikke regulere ret meget synes jeg.

Men det jeg tager med mig i dag, er at jeg virkelig skal arbejde med hvor jeg lægger mine energier – det behøver jo ikke at afspejle min tidsfordeling. Jeg skal jo forsøge at spare energien til at være positiv, engageret og kærlig de få timer jeg har med min familie, så det bliver kvalitetstid og værdifuldt for mig. Jeg skal være ærlig og indrømme at det har jeg ikke været så god til på det sidste. Jeg skal flytte fokus fra alt det negative jeg ikke kan til alt det jeg kan og alt det jeg har. Men jeg tror bare ikke det er muligt at gøre før jeg har accepteret mine nye livsvilkår/mit nye funktionsniveau. Accepten er vel kendetegnet ved:

  • at jeg er afklaret med de ting jeg må opgive
  • at jeg ikke bliver ked af det hver gang jeg må stoppe mit i en aktivitet pga. smerter
  • at jeg ikke føler dårlig samvittighed fordi jeg har brug for hjælp og ikke kan hjælpe andre
  • at jeg kender mine grænser og at jeg ikke planlægger over evne (medmindre jeg bevidst har valgt at tage konsekvensen)

Jeg er ikke i mål med ovenstående accept og der er nok et stykke vej endnu, men når jeg nu reflekterer over det jeg har skrevet, så opdager jeg at jeg faktisk slet ikke har nævnt arbejde som en værdi eller som en del af min person. Det er kraftedme godt gået, Zinna! Her er det virkelig lykkedes mig at nå til accepten og prioritere de værdier som tæller i det lange løb. Havde nogen sagt det til mig for ½ år siden, så havde jeg grint og sagt det kommer aldrig til at ske.

Også vil jeg lige tilføje at jeg nok ikke kommer til at fortryde punkt 3 når jeg engang er døende😜 Jeg udtrykker mine følelser i denne skriveproces, og det giver mig faktisk mere end jeg i min vildeste fantasi havde troet. Jeg kan kun anbefale andre at skrive og på den måde reflektere over svære situationer – så er det jo op til en selv om man vil dele det med hele verden eller blot de nærmeste.

Tak fordi du læste med 😊
Kærligst Zinna

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