Sidste dag på arbejde

Så er min sidste dag på arbejde slut og jeg skal igen sygemeldes😢 denne gang i 3-4 mdr. I den forbindelse har jeg valgt at skrive et indlæg om mit arbejdsliv og om mit håb/mål for fremtiden.

Jeg har altid elsket at arbejde, jeg er typen der elsker udfordringer og hele tiden stræber efter at blive bedre. Jeg er dog ikke ledertypen, men i stedet rigtig glad for at have mit eget ansvarsområde og vise resultater. Mit arbejde har altid været vigtigt for mig og været en stor del af min identitet. Det er det eneste sted hvor jeg altid har følt succes og anerkendelse. Det lyder barskt, men jeg skal være ærlig og sige, at jeg ofte har følt store udfordringer mht. alle de andre roller man som kvinde skal udfylde i dag. Og derfor har jeg faktisk også i hårde perioder flygtet lidt fra de andre roller ved at begrave mig i mit arbejde og hente succeserne på den front.

Jeg har altid arbejdet indenfor B2B salg. Dog havde jeg en afstikker på 5 år, efter vores tvillinger kom til verden. Inden de kom var jeg ellers ret naiv og tænkte, at jeg nemt kunne fortsætte mit sælgerjob med 60-70 rejsedage om året, men hold nu op hvor blev jeg slået hjem i ludo, da hverken graviditet, barsel eller deres første leveår gik som forventet (lang historie). Men for at have mere tid til børnene valgte jeg at undervise på en handelsskole i deres 5 første leveår. Jeg blev faktisk enormt glad for at arbejde med de unge mennesker og lære fra mig, men jeg kom med tiden til at savne udfordringerne i sælgerjobbet.

Reception hos den Danske Generalkonsul på Manhattan (penthouse på 76. etage)

Så for 4 år siden vendte jeg tilbage til en stilling som sælger og begyndte også at rejse igen. Jeg elsker at rejse, også selvom de fleste rejser har været alene. Det giver et dejligt afbræk fra hverdagen, hvilket er guld værd for en som mig der hader når hverdagen bliver alt for forudsigelig og ensformig. Rejserne bestod af mange timer i taxa, fly, i møder og på hotel, hvilket absolut ikke er en god kombi med dårlig ryg, og derfor har rejserne især de sidste par år været rigtig hårde og jeg har måtte planlægge rejserne anderledes med flere pauser. Jeg har de sidste 4 år rejst til bl.a. Sverige, Norge, Finland, Holland og USA og har på enkelte rejser taget nogle ekstra dage for egen regning for at opleve byerne (bl.a. San Francisco og New York). Rejserne er en af de ting jeg kommer til at savne ufatteligt meget og mit ultimative mål må være at kunne gøre det igen en dag.

Mit “comeback” som sælger medførte også, at der var penge til at min mand kunne udleve hans drøm og stoppe som tømrer og istedet læse til bygningskonstruktør. Fantastisk at det kunne lade sig gøre – det er jeg SÅ glad for den dag i dag. For som situationen ser ud nu, så bliver det hans tur til at “forsørge” mig! Som jeg har skrevet om i et tidligere indlæg så sætter min situation mange begrænsninger for min mand, og derfor er det vist godt jeg har opsparet lidt goodwill på kontoen🙂

Men mit eventyrlige job fik en ende da jeg for 4 mdr. siden indså, at jeg ikke længere kunne “fake it till you make it”. Jeg var så presset pga. smerterne, at jeg blev tvunget til at prioritere mit helbred mere og mit arbejde mindre. Jeg havde tidligere i samarbejde med min chef forsøgt at tilpasse mit job til 30 timer, men det hjalp desværre ikke en pind på smerterne og de hårde rejser var der jo stadig. Så jeg vidste at jeg måtte tage det ulideligt hårde spring og håbe de kunne tilbyde mig en anden stilling på nedsat tid. Jobbet som sælger passer bare ikke til en deltidsstilling.

Lidt fritid i San Francisco

Jeg har de mest fantastiske chefer man kunne tænke sig, og jeg er kun blevet mødt med forståelse hele vejen igennem. Det er jeg så enormt taknemmelig for, da situationen jo i forvejen er ret hård. Vi lavede en aftale om et barselsvikariat på ca. 23 timer om ugen som udløber 31. aug. 2018 med ad hoc opgaver indenfor salg og markedsføring. Derefter er der ikke umiddelbart brug en deltidsansat i salg/markedsføring. På daværende tidspunkt var jeg ret sikker på at 23 timer om ugen var passende ifht. mit helbred.

Jeg blev så desværre sygemeldt på fuldtid, da jeg valgte at trappe ud af det smertestillende morfinpræparat jeg havde taget i et års tid. Det viste sig at være en tur gennem helvede og tilbage igen. Rysteture, svedture, høj puls, hurtig vejrtrækning, indlæggelse pga. maveinfektion og en kortvarig depression ramte mig med 100 km i timen. Sammenlagt var jeg sygemeldt i 2½ mdr. inden jeg ligeså stille startede op igen. Jeg har nu den sidste 1½ måned arbejdet 6-10 timer om ugen, hvilket ikke lyder af meget, men det har desværre været nok til at øge smerterne så meget at jeg har måtte tage morfin igen flere gange om ugen for at klare det. Men det skal fandme være løgn at jeg kun kan arbejde 5-10 timer om ugen og jeg nægter at tage morfin igen.

Derfor har jeg opsøgt forskellige behandlingsmuligheder. Jeg har to større skavanker i ryggen, nemlig ødelagte diskos og modicforandringer. Jeg kan vælge at gå videre med muligheden for en stivgørende operation af ryggen, hvor man får en protese og skruer sat ind eller jeg kan kigge nærmere på behandling for Modicforandringerne. Jeg har valgt at gøre det sidste, hvilket du kan læse mere om i mit tidligere indlæg “Behandling ved prisbelønnet forsker”. Behandlingen kræver at jeg skal holde mig i ro i over 3 mdr. og derfor er jeg fra dags dato sygemeldt igen. Det var meget mærkeligt at tage hjem fra arbejde i dag og vide jeg først kommer igen til august. Og da mit vikariat udløber 31. aug. så skal jeg kun vende tilbage for en kort bemærkning inden det er slut og jeg står uden job.

Jeg havde forventet at jeg her til sommer kunne være stabil på de 23 timer og forhåbentlig blive fastansat igen når de (måske) havde indset de ikke kunne undvære mig😉 Men denne plan er nu gået i vasken, og det har jeg sgu grædt meget snot over. Både fordi det betyder, at jeg for første gang nogensinde bliver arbejdsløs, men også fordi at håbet om at blive i virksomheden er tabt.

Arbejde og lidt fritid i NYC

Men når jeg tænker langsigtet så er jeg nødt til at gøre noget ved min situation nu – jeg skulle gerne have min. 30 år tilbage på arbejdsmarkedet. Når jeg ser sådan på det, så betyder det ikke så meget om jeg skal tage et år ud af mit liv til behandlinger – tænk hvis det kan få mig tilbage på et fornuftigt timetal. Og der skal nok byde sig nogle muligheder når jeg engang er klar igen, men uvisheden er samtidig ret svær at tackle.

I bagklogskabens klare lys skulle jeg være stoppet for mindst 1½ år siden (inden jeg startede på morfin), men på den anden side så var jeg ikke klar til det. Det sidste 1½ år har virkeligt været hårdt, men også lært mig utroligt meget. Havde jeg ikke været helt nede og skrabe bunden både fysisk og psykisk, så var jeg aldrig nået hertil. Jeg ville have fortsat med at kæmpe mig på arbejde hver dag og som min psykolog sagde til mig, så var det nok endt med et sammenbrud hvor der var brug for en ambulance istedet.

Det tager bare tid at nå dertil hvor man selv siger fra – det føltes i længe som et kæmpe personligt nederlag for mig. Men jeg er faktisk nået dertil nu, hvor jeg kan rose mig selv for at jeg sagde fra i nogenlunde tide, og at det ikke er et personligt nederlag, men fordi jeg er fanget i en krop der ikke er særlig samarbejdsvillig.

Jeg har valgt at tro på at jeg vender stærkt tilbage og at der venter sig nogle spændende muligheder. WHAT DOESN’T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER💪🏼

Tak fordi du læste med 😊
Kærligst Zinna

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