Smerterne rammer hele familien

Det er rigtig nok mig der føler den fysiske smerte og må give afkald på mange ting, men min mand og mine børn mærker også smerten og afkaldene i høj grad. Jeg tror ikke altid at vores omgivelser forstår hvor store konsekvenserne er for de pårørende til en smertepatient. Så derfor har jeg i dag valgt at skrive om de konsekvenser min familie mærker hver dag.

Pga. smerterne kan jeg ikke længere leve det liv jeg levede før. Jeg kan ikke længere udføre mit job som eksportsælger, og jeg ved på nuværende tidspunkt ikke hvor jeg havner jobmæssigt. Men det er helt sikkert at jeg aldrig kommer til at få den løn jeg fik tidligere. Og vi snakker ikke bare om en forskel på et par tusinde om måneden. Nej, vi taler om en ændring der gør at vi ikke længere kan tage på ferie, at vi hver dag skal overveje alle indkøb, og at der ikke længere er frihed til at gøre noget spontant. Og hvis jeg ikke kommer tilbage på arbejdsmarkedet, så er vi også nødt til at sælge vores dejlige hus. Selvom vi altid siger til os selv at penge ikke gør os lykkelige, så er der alligevel bare mange ting der er nemmere hvis man har penge. Min mand er pga. mig også mere afhængig af sit job og en god løn, hvilket ligger et større pres på ham.

En ting er de økonomiske konsekvenser, men det faktum at jeg er ret begrænset fysisk mærker familien hver dag. Vi kan ikke længere være i Legoland fra morgen til aften for det kan mor ikke holde til. Eller det vil sige at jeg kan jo rent faktisk vælge at overskride mine grænser og bide smerterne i mig for familiens skyld (hvilket jeg er verdensmester i), men det vil betyde at jeg ikke er ”til stede” en stor del af tiden. Smerterne bliver på et tidspunkt så voldsomme at man ikke længere kan distrahere fra dem og det er umuligt at være nærværende, hvilket jo naturligvis vil påvirke hele familien. Konsekvensen bliver også at jeg de følgende dage må betale prisen og isolere mig i soveværelset, og det er jo heller ikke i familiens interesse.

Vi kan heller ikke længere tage på skiferie som vi har gjort hvert eneste år, for jeg kan hverken holde til køreturen eller at stå på ski. I perioder er smerterne så voldsomme at mere end en halv times kørsel vil sætte sine spor på resten af dagen – og så meget spændende er der sgu ikke at lave i en radius af 30 min. fra Herning!

Ungerne har ikke en mor der kan hoppe på trampolin, lege fangeleg eller spille fodbold. De har efterhånden forstået hvorfor, men det er stadig et afsavn både for dem og for mig. Det samme er det når jeg ofte må trække mig for at tage et hvil, eller når jeg om aftenen er så smerteramt, at jeg ikke er i stand til at putte mine børn. De tabte øjeblikke med mine børn er virkelig svære at acceptere for mig, men på den anden side ved jeg jo også godt at jeg på trods af dette stadig kan være en god mor.

Til sidst kommer hele kapitlet om hvordan jeg rent praktisk ikke kan udføre så mange af de huslige opgaver der er i en familie med to børn. Det betyder at min mand er nødt til at knokle mere fysisk i hverdagen end mange andre fædre. Jeg kan ikke hjælpe med rengøring eller havearbejde, jeg kan ikke stå mere end 30 min. i køkkenet så skal jeg have en pause osv. Så ja, jeg har en mand der er meget huslig og faktisk også enormt god til det. Mange af mine veninder siger ”gid jeg havde en mand der var så huslig”, men ved I hvad – jeg ville virkelig ønske han ikke lavede så meget.

Vi har alle en mængde af batterier tildelt hver dag, og min mand bruger bare flere herhjemme end mange andre, hvilket desværre også resulterer i at han ofte ikke har nogle tilovers til andre ting. Og det kan faktisk være svært for omgangskredsen at forstå, at han ikke har overskud til at mødes med vennerne, gå til oldboys fodbold hver onsdag eller få nogle øl med gutterne fredag aften. Det er jo ikke fordi han ikke vil eller bevidst vælger det fra, men batterierne er simpelthen bare brugt op!

Så nu er den store og meget vigtige opgave at finde nye måder at komme på ferie på, at lege med ungerne på, at få udført de huslige opgaver og at have overskud til at se sine venner. For uden alt dette hvor henter vi så vores næring? Hvor er glæden i livet så? Det er som en diabetiker der ikke længere må få sin yndlings sovs, men han ville jo også arbejde på finde en ny måde at lave sovsen på.

Så herhjemme har vi gang i en proces med hvordan vi fx kan holde en god ferie i Danmark. Måske kender vi nogen der vil låne os deres hus mens de er på sommerferie? Måske kan vi tage på nogle hyggelige dagsture i området? Måske kan man være kreativ og slå lejr i haven med telt og lejrbål – jeg er i hvert fald ikke i tvivl om at ungerne vil elske det. Og hvis de er glade, så er vi jo også glade. Og måske kan jeg skabe nogle hyggelige stunder med historielæsning for ungerne i sengen når jeg skal hvile ryggen? Og måske kan vi planlægge os frem til nogle ”fridage” til min mand så han kan have overskud til en tur i byen med kammeraterne? Det er en ny måde at tænke på og det handler om at være kreativ.

Og i denne sammenhæng tager jeg meget gerne imod kreative forslag 👍🏼

(De store konsekvenser som min tilstand har for familien giver mig en enorm skyldfølelse, hvilket faktisk er min værste fjende i den her kamp – faktisk værre end selve smerten eller det at miste mit job. Men det må blive emnet til et senere blogindlæg…….)

Tak fordi du læste med 😊
Kærligst Zinna

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222 kommentarer

  1. Kære Zinna,
    Jeg har læst dine blog indlæg, det er rørende og stærk læsning!
    Det er sejt og flot at du åbner op omkring din situation, er sikker på at det vil give noget til læseren men helt sikkert også til dig selv..
    Tanker fra mig til dig og din familie <3 Line

    1. Tusind tak for dine søde ord – det betyder meget for mig. Kan allerede mærke at det giver mig noget at skrive.
      Kram Zinna

  2. Hvor er du SEJ! Og hvor er det mit liv om igen….
    Vi er nået til accepten, og kan se du er på vej, omend det aldrig vil fjerne den nagende skyldfølelse.

    Hvor ville det bare være fantastisk, at familie og venner ville forstå. Kunne sætte sig i vires sted. Og hvor ville det være fantastisk hvis ikke skyldfølelse, følelse af at belaste andre og den evige prioritering ikke var tilstede/nødvendig.

    Jeg ønsker dig alt godt i fremtiden.

    En medsøster

    1. Tak, hvor er du sød. Ked af at høre dit liv også indebærer smerter. Ja, ville være skønt hvis alle forstod, men det vigtigste er at vi åbner op og i hvert fald forsøger at forklare for de aller nærmeste. Vi kan nok ikke forvente at alle omkring os kommer til at forstå.
      Ønsker også dig alt godt. Og tak fordi d læser med.
      Kærligst Zinna

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