Udfordringens dag er kommet….

Som jeg skrev i mit indlæg forleden misunder jeg andre for deres gode helbred. Ja, selvfølgelig misunder jeg andres gode helbred, men hvad er det helt konkret jeg misunder dem for? Hvad er det de kan, som jeg ikke kan?Ja, her kan du nok regne ud at listen er lang. Et helt banalt eksempel kunne være, at jeg misunder andre, at de kan sidde ned en hel aften til sociale sammenkomster og hygge og grine. Som min situationen er nu begynder jeg allerede efter 20-30 min. at kravle op ad smerteskalaen, og efter max. 1½-2  timer er det næsten umuligt at grine og hygge, fordi smerterne tager alt opmærksomheden.

Jeg har analyseret lidt mere på, hvordan jeg kan tage ansvar. Jeg kan desværre ikke knipse med fingrene også er mine smerter væk.  Men kan jeg måske finde en ny måde at deltage i sociale sammenkomster? Hvad er det helt konkret der kan gøres for at begrænse smerterne? For at begrænse smerterne har jeg brug for skiftende stillinger/bevægelser (ligge, sidde, stå, gå) meget ofte. Hvad nu hvis jeg laver en brainstorm på hvordan jeg kan få indbygget skiftende stillinger ved sociale sammenkomster. Og her skal jeg huske at en brainstorm er udelukkende idéer, uden man vurderer om det kan lade sig gøre dvs. nej-hatten skal pakkes langt væk.

Her kommer så hvad jeg fik ud af denne øvelse…..

  1. Husk ekstra smertestillende
  2. Husk altid din rygpude – ligegyldig hvor du skal hen
  3. En blød skråpude kunne faktisk også hjælpe
  4. Tag en pause og gå en tur udenfor
  5. Rejs dig op bag stolen , gå evt. lidt rundt i rummet
  6. Få nogle liggende hvil (lån en sofa/seng eller medbring en fold-ud-madras)
  7. Og husk at bruge ovenstående løsninger INDEN smerterne har taget magten

Ja, det lyder jo meget nemt, og hvis jeg gjorde alt dette kunne jeg måske holde ud en hel aften. Og jeg er slet ikke i tvivl om, at jeg en dag kommer dertil hvor jeg kan gøre brug af alle disse idéer. Men jeg får desværre mange skeptiske tanker……

  1. Smertestillende: Tjek – de skal altid ligge i min taske
  2. Rygpude: No problem – så langt er jeg nået og jeg har den altid med mig. I starten synes jeg det var lidt irriterende at have den med på restaurant osv. men det går fint nu.
  3. Skråpude: Det kunne jeg nok også godt vænne mig til, selvom jeg helst ikke vil gøre mig for meget bemærket eller skille mig ud. Det er jo en del at komme slæbende med på en restaurant.
  4. Gåtur: Jeg synes det er irriterende at “gå glip af noget” mens jeg er ude og gå. Det er jo heller ikke lige til en par middag man kl. 21 (med fyldte vinglas) spørger om nogen vil med ud og gå, så jeg ikke går glip af noget.
  5. Stå op: Det gør jeg allerede lidt, men jeg skal blive bedre til at gøre det inden smerten bliver for kraftige. I starten kunne jeg ikke lide at gøre det til foredrag eller møder, men nu sørger jeg altid for at finde en plads bagerst eller ude i siden, så jeg kan rejse mig uden at genere andre.
  6. Liggende hvil: Så nu bliver det straks værre for mig! Hvis jeg ligger mig ind i et andet rum for at hvile, kan jeg jo næsten ligeså godt tage hjem – jeg kan jo alligevel ikke deltage i snakken. Og prøv så lige at forestille dig, at ligge alene i rummet ved siden af og lytte til de andre griner og hygger – en konstant påmindelse om alt det jeg går glip af i livet og at jeg er anderledes. Så måske kunne jeg spørge om vi kan rykke selskabet ind i stuen når vi er færdige med at spise? Men nej, det kan jeg ikke forlange – det har de nok ikke lyst til. Og de vil jo bare sige ja, selvom de måske ikke har lyst til det. Og hvis jeg skal ligge ned fylder jeg jo det meste af sofaen, så der ikke bliver plads til dem. Jeg vil ikke være til besvær. Jeg kunne istedet have en fold-ud-madras med mig, så kunne jeg lægge mig forenden af spisebordet og stadig være med i snakken. Men hold nu op det kræver mod. Tænk at ligge dernede – jeg ville føle mig anderledes, til skue og mindre værd. Og de andre skulle tale ”ned” til mig, og jeg er ikke på ”højde” med dem.

I kan nok se at punkt 6 er meget svær for mig. For det ikke skal være løgn, så har min psykolog udfordret mig på dette punkt, fordi hun ved jeg rigtig gerne vil rykke mig. I eftermiddag skal vi til en reception i nogle gode venners firma, der er flyttet i nye lokaler, og jeg vil helt sikkert få brug for et hvil. Jeg har spurgt om der findes en madras/sofa i et rum jeg kunne låne. Ja, men ikke et sted hvor der ikke vil være gæster. Det betyder at for at få et hvil skal jeg ligge mig ned foran andre, og der er helt sikkert en masse jeg ikke kender og som ikke kender min situation. Forestil dig lige at det var dig!! Ingen kan jo se at jeg er syg – det står jo ikke skrevet i panden på mig. Hvis bare jeg havde gips på mit ben, så var der ingen der ville undre sig over hvorfor jeg ligger der. Og hvad skal jeg sige når der kommer nogen jeg ikke kender? Skal jeg sige: “Undskyld, jeg ligger lige og får et hvil fordi jeg har en dårlig ryg” eller skal jeg prøve og lave lidt sjov og sige: “Man skal jo også lige teste alle møbler i de nye lokaler” eller er det bedst jeg bare tier stille? Det kan meget hurtigt blive en ret akavet situation. Hvis jeg siger undskyld virker jeg usikker, trist og endda lidt ynkelig, synes jeg. Det signal har jeg absolut ikke lyst til at sende. Hvis jeg bare tier stille virker jeg lidt flov over at ligge der, og signalerer måske mest at jeg helst vil være i fred. Og det er jo absolut ikke min hensigt – mit mål er jo at jeg kan være social selvom jeg ligger der, at jeg stadig kan være med i en samtale. Så min endelige plan er, at jeg kombinerer det lidt og siger “Jeg har en dårlig ryg, og derfor tænkte jeg lige det var en god mulighed for også at teste sofaen” og forsøge at fortsætte samtalen med lidt small talk om de nye lokaler, eller hvor de kender vores venner fra. Jeg håber på den måde, at stemningen bliver lettet, og dem jeg taler med også føler sig tilpas. Det kan jo også være svært for dem, hvad de skal sige til en der ligger der lidt flov og undskyldende.

Hver eneste gang jeg skal prøve at rykke mig og udvikle mig, vender jeg altid situationen og forestiller mig det var en anden i min situation. Det giver et andet perspektiv uden alt for mange følelser og selvkritik. Så når jeg læser ovenstående igennem og forestiller mig det var en anden, så ville mine tanker være helt anderledes. Jeg ville for eksempel synes det var mega sejt, hvis en anden havde modet til at tage en fold-ud-madras med sig rundt og tage et hvil når det passede hende. Jeg ville ikke se skævt på det, og jeg ville jo uden at spørge kunne konkludere at det selvfølgelig skyldes en sygdom eller lign. Og hvis hun ovenikøbet kunne gøre det med oprejst pande og fortsætte snakken imens, så ville jeg tænke at her er en pige i balance, som får det bedste ud af livet uden at lade andres meninger påvirke hende. Der vil jeg gerne nå til en dag!

Så derfor tager jeg første step i dag. Det er virkelig noget jeg skal tage mig sammen til og de første (50!) gange vil være enormt grænseoverskridende, men så vænner man sig forhåbentlig til det.

Tak fordi du læste med 😊
Kærligst Zinna

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